This kid...

So I'm in a little bit of denial. And I'm a little overwhelmed and slightly more emotional than usual. You see...my oldest is turning 18 in a few hours. He's super excited. He'll officially be "a MAN". Me? not as excited (but not in a bad way, just a mom of an 18 year old way). He wasn't expected to live, much less be able to speak, think appropriately and all that goes with being born 3 months early. But God had other plans and it's overwhelming to think back on that little baby, then toddler, then school age kid and now...18. 18.

Our oldest, as you know, has cerebral palsy.  It's not a path anyone would choose voluntarily, but it's the path God gave him.  Because He DOES give us more than we can handle many times (in contrast to the ever popular saying "God never gives us more than we can handle" which is not biblical AT ALL). He gives us more so we learn to rely more on him and learn to let go and let Him have it.  It's a life long lesson, but some people have tougher doses.  Death, sickness, loss...it's no cake walk is it?

This kid has more than he can handle physically and emotionally many days and has been learning to deal with life in his way for 18 years.  But this kid, he has been teaching me since day 1.

for 18 years.

and it never stops.

From his entrance into this world at 1lb 6oz, he's taught me to let go of the "norm" and make your own normal.

Even our doctor still laughs when he starts to tell me where one of the little boys ranks on the height/weight chart.  I have no clue what any of that really means and I don't care because for 12 years (the years J was an only child), it didn't matter.  "Normal" Milestones didn't matter.

Most of it still doesn't, which frees up a lot of the "keeping up with the Jones's" mentality in my brain and life.  This has been a HUGE blessing and probably one of the best lessons ever. It's probably also been a bit of a hindrance if I'm honest b/c my expectations are a little more relaxed than they maybe should be and I own that. Our kids are our kids, however, they are their own people, why be like everyone else when you can be YOU. Why expect your friends to be like your or anyone else when you can be YOU. This is hard for kids and teens and even young adults but if you can learn it early, oh the freedom! James started getting this over the last year, in a big way and it's been amazing to watch.

He's been teaching me to face my fears.  That while life is short and it sucks every other day sometimes, you make the most of it. You try things so you won't regret not trying because of fear.  The kid who, in his own words, screamed like a little girl on his first zip line experience years ago at Lions Camp, turned that into a life motto almost. (the part about trying things so you don't regret, not the screaming like a girl part... ;-)  )

He's taught me to relax.  Because he has had to fight anxiety for years...and probably will continue to some degree, working with him to relax has helped me learn to do so as well.  It's not easy for either one of us but it's a work in progress. 

He's taught me that sometimes you just want to do something once and be done. Even if you're good at it, you don't have to keep doing it out of pressure or others expectations. He was the cutest boy customer in a kids church Christmas musical years ago. He decided he wanted that part, tried out for only that part and got it.  And he was adorable.  He even had a solo and nailed it. And then he was done. He's never done this again, singing in public...acting...church dramas (Ok our church doesn't really do these much anyway)...he was just done.  And completely happy with that. I will admit it's taken me a few more years to learn this lesson from him...I'm a bit more of a "lets just stick this out or come on, you'll love it" kind of mom, but his little brothers are benefiting from a mom who has learned to say "this is not your thing anymore? Ok, let's take a break and move on."

He's teaching me humility.  I can be a little self-focused...and I might have a little road rage among other issues.  He reminds me verbally and with his attitude that we put others first and remember they might be having bad days too. It's not all about me apparently...whatever.

Lately, he's been teaching me to let go of bitterness, to be grace-giving. If you know us in real life, we use humor in our family a lot to deal with life.  One because life is just funny (especially with J2 around and because we are just freakin' hilarious people) but also because sometimes that's the only way to get through the day. Especially for me, at this wonderful menopausal time of life...if I don't make a joke about something, I will break down completely.  There's not a lot of control involved because it just happens. I know some of you totally get that, right? I am slow to give grace in some instances, especially when they involve my kids, but I'm hoping it's just a season.  I'm learning to lift my eyes, focus on my family and move on. Remember that whole relaxing thing above...working on it.

Because of J.

He already gets it...he gets that things change, people grow apart, challenges will always be there, he can't do many things his friends can, truth wins out (He is honest to a fault sometimes), and he is ok with it all.  He doesn't harbor bitterness, he lets go pretty fast.  He is also incredibly loyal and I love that.  It's extremely humbling living with this kid. for real.  And if he ever reads this, he will come up with a reason for all of these things to not be true because that's who he is. He will never see who he truly is to people and that's one of the most special things about him sometimes. 

He's still trying to teach me about Marvel. Ok actually I think he's given up. When I listen...ok, so that last part isn't often but as I tell him it doesn't mean I don't love him any less just because I tend to zone out at the word "Spiderman"...I do atleast know who Stan Lee is...and most of the villains...

Now all of this being said...trust me, He's still an annoying teenager. Er...I mean a MAN now.  He will forever make me crazy with his ability to recall any Marvel movie detail but not remember his math from the day before.  He gets angry at his little brothers...ok, mainly J2 because Buddy is still little enough to get away with "aw but he's so cute" as he's slapping you in the face.

  And he does not like waking up in the mornings...or even the early afternoons. He says bad words occasionally (I blame this TOTALLY on his dad and Grandma). He doesn't pay attention all the time (hello...teen boy!) and occasionally forgets to shower..but  he's mine and I love him :-)

And I'm forever grateful to God for allowing me to be his mom. Forever. Grateful.

Happy Happy Happy 18th Birthday J. You are still a miracle.