My boy

11 years ago today, I was in an ambulance...shaking all over not necessarily from the cold but also from fear. I was being taken to Houston from Beaumont to have my baby...3 months early. I had HELLP Syndrome. I was actually more scared at the time of dying, not as worried about the baby b/c I didn't know him yet. I did know my husband and family and was scared I wouldn't see them any longer. And they were thinking the same thing I was. I know...it's hard to know I thought that way, but I did.

1 month later...I'm better (still can't see well b/c of the swelling that had occured in my head/face) but this time I'm positive J is dying. I found my Fighting Mom Mode for the first time that day and fought the young resident doctor through tears to get his blood checked. His blood levels were lower than the nurses had seen in a preemie in years and he was so gray, I just knew it was a bad day for him. I had also just seen 2 babies die that day in the NICU and one little baby that was "worked on" as they called it for 45 minutes, so I was feeling defeated. I heard God tell me to BE STILL while I was out in the hall waiting for the nurses to do their work and call me back in. I had never actually heard Him in my head like that before, I knew it was Him and I knew J would be ok.

2 months later (and just 2 days shy of what was to be his ACTUAL birthdate)...we were driving J home in the car for the first time! All 5lbs of him, complete with an oxygen tank and an apnea monitor, in a car seat that had been waiting for him for months. Oh, what proud but fearful parents we were! Here we were with not only a baby, but a smaller than usual one, and lots of extra equipment. The beeps & alarms I had become so accustomed to in the NICU, I didn't think I could raise him without them! Not to mention the nurses. How could I do this without a nurse?

3 months later...the apnea monitor and oxygen tank were gone. I will admit, I kept the monitor on him an extra week b/c I was so nervous to not have those beeps when he was sleeping! But such a happy baby he was, always laughing and was open-eyed and curious from the moment he was able.

Over the next few years, we became good friends with the pediatrician, local therapists, orthotic professionals, doctors in Houston and the pediatric eye doctor. See, J was diagnosed with cerebral palsy...which I think I knew back in my brain, it just didn't come out as a "duh" moment until we were told professionally. And my sweet camp friends (we had all worked at a summer camp for kids with physical disabilities for years while in college) who could tell the minute they saw him as a baby that he had CP kept it from me also b/c they didn't think I knew yet :) It's quite different when it's your own child, I guess. I would have probably recognized it much sooner if he hadn't been my own because I had been around it for so many summers. T & I learned to not sweat the small stuff so much. I mean, J had already beaten the preemie odds by living. He was behind physically in everything and we would all have to work a little harder on things that come naturally for others, but he was healthy, alive and absolutely ADORABLE!

2007...I finally received a copy of his baby footprints from the hospital...yea...it only took 9 years for them to finally "find" them! One little footprint is the size of his big toe now, ha :)

Flash forward back to the present day...my boy has turned 11. My amazing boy has survived the odds of being a micro-preemie, he is now almost as tall as me, he is smarter than me, definitely cuter than me and has a much more forgiving and compassionate heart. While he also has anxiety issues with school, frustrates me daily, and being a typical 11 year old, is now completely fearful that his grandparents and his dad will embarass him in front of his friends (this just started recently)...he is still my miracle baby. I am grateful for every day that we have with him. Yes, I still get fearful on a weekly basis for his happiness, for his physical troubles, what will his future be like...I'm a mom, I can't help it.

And I'm not necessarily grateful that he could potentially be driving in 5 years....YIKES!

So Happy Birthday, my incredible J! You are the light of our lives here on earth :)