Out of answers

If you follow this blog or know my family, you know how blessed I am. I have an incredible husband and two of the most amazing kids in the world.  And it may seem like I have it all together sometimes (ok, since you know me most likely, you are probably laughing at that last statement).  Well, today has been one of those days that reminds me how human we are and how life isn't usually a bowl of cherries, but more like a bowl of pits.


And I need to just have a pity party because my hubby is not here to let me cry on and I don't really feel like talking about it out loud to anyone right now and crying because then I just get sympathy and I don't want that.  So I'm going to have it here.  Cuz I can.  

Having a child with a disability is hard.  It's plain hard. Physically, yes, for us anyway, because J's disability is a physical handicap and he requires help, whether it's in the bathroom or getting into the car or into a chair, etc...

But it's also emotionally difficult...just plain sucks sometimes.  Especially when your child is nearing their early teens.  Not only is he so much more aware of how "unfair" daily things are, but it hurts to see him go through these feelings.  

He takes it very personally when the kids at lunch during co-op go play on the playground and don't stay to talk with him.  I have explained many times that they are just used to doing that and I can help him go out there, but it still hurts and playing on the playground is much more awkward for him at this older age anyway.  Or in youth group when he gets in the car after and tears up because he feels like no one likes him because they don't talk to him (yes, he is shy in there and hangs back but he still yearns for people to want to talk to him).  It hurts.  Or when he has to be in a class focusing on soccer, which isn't fun for him, and he then asks with tears in his eyes in the car later "are you sure they don't have a surgery that can make my legs normal?"  Hurts.  And it hurts me and frustrates me, not just him, because I am just out of answers.  

And I can't be that parent who tells kids to play with my son, you know?  I just can't.  If they are at my house I can remind everyone to play together and include everyone but not at school or church, etc... Because one...it would embarrass J and two...you don't want to force kids to befriend your child, in your heart you want them to want to like your child.  We all want that.


It's easy for well meaning people, including myself as mom,  (family, grandparents, readers, friends) to give advice..."take a book out there and read or take a board game and I'll bet a kid will come play", etc... or "they don't know what they are missing out on" or "you have to make the effort, J, you have to talk to them first, talk louder, etc..".  But for a 12 year old in a wheelchair who knows he will never be "normal" and at this age that's what every child wants...it plain sucks.  And if you aren't the one here hiding your tears while he cries his, you just won't get it.


Will tomorrow be better?  probably.  Will Sunday be worse?  maybe, who knows?  Will my son ever find the close guy friends he longs for?  I don't know, I pray he will but that's all I can do.  And before I hear "well, if you had him in school..." don't even go there.  Do you know he was never invited to any birthday party by someone in school unless it was a whole class invite?  I'm not writing this to make anyone feel bad, please don't.  He doesn't realize I even think of things like that.  But as a mom, it bites.  And today is just one of those days when I feel lost and sad and out of answers and I'm tired of giving the same ones and I know he is tired of hearing them.


I know he will be ok, I know we will be ok, I know because we are God's kids and thankfully J knows Jesus and I pray he holds to that faith over these hard years.  We knew these days would come but I never thought it would truly be this hard on my heart. 


So just pray for J, pray that some great guys his age will start coming into his life as true friends, friends who want to hang out with him because they like him and enjoy him.  Both of our hearts need this.